Last week, for my daily dose of Just Curious- I read Pearl Bhungane’s post “Just Do It”.It resonated so much with me.
I am a 24 year old almost qualified Chartered Accountant completing my articles with one of the Big 4 firms.
For most people, it is the dream. The past 7 or so years of my life have been on auto-pilot, go to university, undergrad for 3 years, post-grad for a year, articles at Big 4, pass board examinations and become a Chartered Accountant. All this I can tick of my list…
I have achieved what I set out to do; therefore I should be happy right? I have some words to describe how I feel about where I am in life… maybe words like grateful but not happy??? Nope.
As I prepared my CV, cover letter and transcripts to apply for the retention programme at the firm to stay on after my articles, I suddenly had a “fuck it” moment. I have been miserable for the past 3 years, I hate my job and I hate what I do.
I have come to realise that because I hate what I do, I do not push myself, I have become an average employee (do what you get paid to do and nothing more). This in turn has affected other parts of my life; I have then in turn become average in other aspects of my life. I am not only an average employee but I have become an average person, my whole existence and contribution to the society I live in, my interactions with people, whether it be friends, family, potential networks have become mediocre. I have become a shadow of myself. I can no longer bear it and I knew if I stayed here, this would continue. So I did not apply.
For the first time in my life, I have no formal plans or guarantees for the foreseeable future I have no contracts tying me to anything and I am ok with that. I now had to think and be honest with myself, what is it that I want to do… this was a question I had to answer honestly, without taking anyone else into consideration.
Firstly, nothing would please me more than taking a break and travelling the world for a year but my pockets are a bit too humble for that so scratch that.
Secondly, I hate cubicles, I hate sitting in front of a laptop the whole day clicking away. My interests lie elsewhere. I love working with people, I love helping people. I recently started a project with my friends where we collect sanitary pads and distribute them to schools girls from disadvantaged backgrounds. Community development projects are a passion. I have always wanted to start my own business; I have tried a couple of times, but always held back for some or other reasons.
So I called up a few people I have met over the year and bounced off a couple of ideas. We penned down a proposal and a couple of days later we were at the Department of Minerals filling out forms on mining rights. It is a great idea we are working on, but absolutely no guarantees. As things stand at the moment as at 1st of January 2015, I would be unemployed.
I have challenged myself; I owe it to myself to live a life where no-one else dictates what I do. I want to live a life with no regrets, I have come to realise that regrets are a gun-shot to the soul.
By Mamo Makoko
Regrets are a gun-shot to the soul:
The sun rises and sets with all my hopes, I long for assurance, guarantees, certainty…
But I guess that’s what we live for…Hope…
Hope that tomorrow will be a better day that our smiles will not be replaced by tears
Hope that the sun shall rise with blessings and set with our problems
But…..
Maybe at times we hope for the wrong things, our destiny was set out by the Almighty, wasn’t it?
Maybe I took what was never meant to be mine, maybe I am hoping in all the wrong places..
Could that explain the emptiness I am feeling within me?
I realise…
I wear make-up, the kind that makes me look happy even though I am not,
the kind that does not wear off even when I wash,
the kind that does not dirty my clothes,
the price I had to pay for it… my happiness???
Inside of me…
A voice cries out loud, worthy of my attention although I keep on trying to ignore it but for how long?
My heart bleeds for forgotten promises to myself, to strive for the best, to keep the best, be with the best…
My eyes watery to the mirror images of myself living for others, everybody except ME..
I tremble as faded memories of myself rush past in my mind as I die a slow painful death
I am a murderer.. I murdered my joy, my existence; I murdered love, care, happinesss…
I live with no joy, creativity, true laughter.
In a quest….
To finding my feet, I landed in a strange land, one that’s hard to get off..
I brought myself here and its hard to get out..
All I can do is watch each sunset go down with all my dreams..visions..with all my hopes and joy
My soul lvives no more
How do I do it?
How do I do it? Me, admit I was wrong? I was so sure, so certain…
Tomorrow is another day, I will wake up, put on my make up that cost my happiness…
Walk through the streets and wish for the sun to set.. because then I know each sunset brings me closer to my end
I am suicidal, with ropes of regrets around my neck, each minute it gets tighter…
Should I scream? Can I even scream? Who shall come to my rescue?
I am no damsel in distress.. I chose my fate and this is it
Listen closely…
Hear the sound of pencil running running across my page, my heart beat longing for the things I threw away
Hear me sing my last, say my best, hear the sound of faint eye lashes , tongue across dry lips..
See me draw my last breath for in it is a lesson…regrets are a gunshot to the soul.